Family Guy Porn Story: Starring Chris Griffin – Chapter 1
Starring Chris Griffin
by
Mike Kocher
(Opening shot,Peter is reading a book to Stewie)
Peter:Heres what happened after Horton heard the Who.
Stewie: Let me guess everyone believes his ludicrous story and he becomes the belle of the ball?
Peter in a sweet voice:No he is declared insane and has to spend the rest of his life in a mental health facility.
(Opening music)
(Next shot,the Peter and Brian are around the breakfast table,it is early and not everyone has woken up)
Peter:Brian do you have the newspaper
Brian:Peter you never read it
Peter: Yeah but could you at least hand me the lingerie adds?
Brian in a unpleased tone: All right.
(Peter then goes to the cereal cabinet)
Peter:Oh boy Coca Pebbles!
(Barney Rubble comes and steals them)
Peter:Barney my pebbles! No fair last week it was my Flintstones vitamins!
(Brian folds up his newspaper and turns on the news)
Tom Tucker:Good Morning Quahog Im Tom Tucker.
Diane Sawyer:And Im Diane Sawyer
Tom: You asked for it and now were on in the early means I have to spend even more time with this arrogant bitch Thanks Quahog.
Diane:Oh I love spending time with an orangutang the network found and shaved to be a newscaster.
Tom:They werent supposed to know that.
Diane ignoring the statement: A brand new movie is going to be filmed in our very own town. And they are still casting a major role for a young male ages 10-15.
Tom:Wow that sounds exciting.
Diane:Yes Tom but theres no chance your inbred son will get the part.
Tom clenching his fist: Ive had it up to hear with you!
(Peter turns off the T.V before the fight begins)
Brian:Thats quite the opportunity.
Peter:Yeah too bad I wasnt a young male ages 10-15.
Brian with a hinting tone:I think you know someone that is.
Peter:Who? what? Tell me Brian!
Brian:Someone very close to you.
Peter:Who?
Brian:A special relative
Peter:Give it to me straight Brian,I havent been this confused since the ending of the Empire Strikes Back
(Cut to Peter in theatre watching the Empire Strikes Back.)
Vader:No I am your father!
Peter:How can he be Lukes father? He doesnt even have a penis!
(Flashforward)
Brian:For Goodness sakes Chris you moron!
Peter:Oh yeah Chris! I could teach him to be a star.
Lois enters
Lois:Whats all this noise.
Peter:Chris is going to be in the new movie!
Brian:Wait a minute Peter he has to audition first.
Peter:Oh yeah,forget it that part is too hard to get past.
(Flash to Peter auditioning for Titanic)
Rose/Kate Winslet:Ill never let go Jack
Peter:Me Neither
Rose:Peter you can stop touching my breasts.
(Peter still is grabbing the breasts)
Rose:AHHH Get him out of here!
(Policemen come and beat up Peter)
Lois:Well maybe you could get Chris ready for the audtion,you too havent spent much time together recently.
Peter:Or better yet…
(Flash to The Godfathers office)
The Godfather: Peter tell me about this Hollywood Pezzonovanta who won’t let your son work.
Peter: Well Godfather he owns the studio. Just a month ago he bought-
(Flashback)
Lois:On second thought Ill get Chris ready.
Peter:Great Ill watch tv and get drunk.
(Cut to later in the day,Lois is in the car with Chris)
Lois:Chris we havent spent much time together recently and I was thinking about how much you love movies.
(Chris is watching Barney the Movie)
Announcer:The Film you are about to see is rated R for Retarded
Barney:Hi Kids
(Chris laughs and claps his hands)
Chris:Yeah
Lois:Well theres going to be a new movie filming in Quahog and if we work together you could maybe be in it.
Chris:Wow that sounds like fun.
Lois:Glad to hear your go to the library to get some books on acting.
(Cut to Peter,Brian,Meg,and Stewie watching TV)
Meg:Dad since Chris and Mom are gone could I go to the mall.
Peter:I dont know sounds iffy,I better give you some extra money in case you dont find your way home.
(Meg has a pleased look on her face)
Peter:Talk about good parenting
Brian:You just gave her three times her weekly allowance.
Stewie to himself:Maybe I too could somehow take advantage of the fat mans stupidity.
(Peter is watching the television)
Announcer:We now return to the Best of British humor.
Comedian:Knickers!
Peter:Hahaha Thats english for a bra.
(Stewie walks toward him)
Stewie:Daddy could you take me to the Toy store.
Peter:I dont know Stewie,Im not that found of Toy stores.
(Cut to Peter in a Toy store.)
Peter:Wow a Tickle Me Elmo
(Peter tickles him)
Elmo:Let go of me bad man.
(A Larger female Elmo muppet comes)
Female Elmo:Let go of my son you pervert!
(Flashforward)
Peter:I suppose so Stewie.
(Cut to Stewies room,Stewie is talking to Rupert)
Stewie:Alas Rupert we can finally have a commander above the price of 4.95 to help see our mission succeed.